10 Rules for Holiday Eating

In my attempt to do as little work as possible this morning, I came across this article online. Enjoy!

10 Rules for Holiday Eating:

1. Avoid carrot sticks and celery!

Anyone who puts these rabbit-food substances on a holiday buffet table is clueless of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls and pork ribs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly!

Like fine single-malt scotch or a great bottle-fermented trippel, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch or trippel! You can't find it any other time of year except now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip and contains 55 undeveloped chicken embyoes? Hell, it's vapors are fattening! It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! Tax season is right around the corner.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.

That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. If there are no mashed taters, smother your cheesecake in it!

4. Speaking of mashed pototoes...

Always ask if they're made with skim milk, whole milk or artery-clogging cream. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission or going to a martini bar and asking for a light beer... Just sick! If it's whole milk, it's socially acceptable and you really don't want to seem like an ungratful guest, do you? However, if made with heavy cream, just eat it out of the bowl and offer to be adopted! These people are the real thing! Move in right away, before they know what hit them!

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party...

... in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.

You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10lb plate of food and that gallon vat of eggnog.

7. Mark your territory!

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa or any form of home-made chocolate chip anything, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becomming the center of attetnion. Theyr're like beautiful designer shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies.

Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? President's Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?

Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it with all costs. I mean, c'mon, have some standards, people!

10. One final tip:

If you don't feel "I need stretchy pants" full when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips and start over. And hurry! January is just around the corner.